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Anwa o iqsaam kay foodies (part 2)

Facebook is owned by my Phupho and it scares me a lot, or if it’s not owned at least there is no difference between my phuppo and facebook because they both have same curiosity levels. whenever we have an encounter with each other they ask the same,  ‘’what’s on your mind Rasikh?’’ Since childhood she was my ideal, I wanted to be a Phupho when I grow up.  She was most respected member of whole family and every one used to consider her first and important in all things. I always heard things like this : ‘’Phupho ko phone kar kay pehlay bata dain warna masla ho jana hey’’, ‘’unko shadi ka card pehlay dey dain warna unhon ney aana nahi’’, ‘’unki billi ney bachay diyay hain uski mubarik dey dain’’ etc.  She had some serious health issues because I heard this sentence a lot about her ‘’warna  unka moo soouj jana hey’’.Phuppo happened to be the best foodie  in the world, she could even eat with her eyes and I heard lots about like ‘’phuppo ghar  aai theen na, bus kha gai unki nazar sab kuch’’ , (shadi pe) ‘’khana unki table pe hee lagwa dena warna unhon ney function kharab kar dena hey’’ , (ghar main) ‘’unko gol botiyan dal k dena warna pooray khandan main badnaam hoo jainge’’. I personally noticed no matter how much she disliked the food and grilled the cook alive ,she always used to leave with takeaway and upon reaching her home there used to be a call ‘’tum ney us main gajraila to daala hee nahi’ KYUN??? Sham ko kisi k hath bhijwaa dena , (eid pe) ‘’ baqi gosht bant’nay sey pehlay phuppo sey  pooch lain k raan, dasti, puth, chaampain, undercut, bong, paye aur kalaiji k ilawa unko kisi aur hissay ka gosht to nahi chahyiyay na?? Now that was motivation for me and I decided to be a foodie and my urge to know more types of foodies started from there. In previous lecture we covered weilay o farigh, dictator, recommendation mangnay walay, shorthand, Michael Show MAAR’Ker, check in type, bohot ghareloo and entrepreneur foodies.

The continued list is as followed

  1. Sarriyal Foodies : Yeh foodies ki woh qisam hoti hey jinka khoon dosron ki posts pe likes aur comments daikh k khol uth’ta hey aur ye apnay dil ki sub bharraas us post pe nikal deti hey jahan ghalti sey beychara admin comment ya like kar betha ho and they are like ‘’haan g, jahan pe admin hoga wahan likes nahi hongey to hamari posts pe hongey’’. Seriously guys review the stuff you post. In foodies ki aankhon sey wohi wali zehreeli rays nikalti hain jesi ‘’inhain burri nazar sey bachanay walay taweez  / locket ya ‘’rakhsha kawwuj ‘’ advertisement ki buri nazar wali aunties ki ankhon sey nikaliti hain.
  1. Silent foodies : Ye foodies bilkul khamosh rehtay hain and they never ask they never comment. In beycharon ka facebook ka ‘’ teer k upar banay angothay wala button daba k like karain ‘’ wala silsila bhi nahi hota.
  1. Dieting Walay foodies : Aik aam banda khanay main roti / chaawal aur salan, salad waghaira kha k buss kar deta hai. Lekin ye dieting walay foodies dieting k naam pe har 3 ghantay baad sabzion sey ley k, soups, bread , baked / grilled chicken, anday, juices, aur pata nahi kya kya kha jatay hain. Aur usky baad din main 3 bar inkay ‘’cheat meal’’ ki pictures bhi aa jati hain. Pata nahi kesay kar laitay hain itni dieting?
  1. Attention seeker o frustrated foodies : Yeh who becharay hotay hain jinko na khanay banana aata hey aur na hee in k paas bahir khanay k pesay hotay hain. inki posts aapko kisi biscuit, canned drink ya crisps k packet per based milain gi. Ye as group dosron ki posts main ja k ajeeb o ghareeb comments kar k tawaajuh lenay ki koshish kartay hain but they are mostly ignored by others. Yeh dosron ki posts ka usi tarah intazar kartay hain jesay aik kanjoos smoker sirf lighter jaib main rakh k phirta ho aur wait karay  kay  someone asks for a lighter from him aur ye uska cigarette sulgaa k badlay main us sey muft ka cigarette ley lain.
  1. Frequent Flyer / Delivery walay rider k dushman foodies : ye log kisi bhi airline ki economy class main safar kar k us k khanay, tissue paper, paper cups aur purani sweets ki us tarah shikayatain kar rahay hotay hain jesay inhon ney kisi Michelin star restaurant main wings lagwa k us main safar kiya hey. They expect the airline food to be equally good as restaurant food. Yeh whoi foodies hotay hain jo jab land kartay hian to kisi food delivery service sey khana mangwa k aisay complains kartay hain ‘’food arrived 1.2 seconds late and it ruined my day’’, ‘’ rider ki aik moonch bari thi aik choti, totally disgusted’’ . When I tried to confirm the order status from the company manager on cell number provided, he replied with a smiley emoticon, such a perverted creep’’ , ‘’main ney 300 wala burger mangwa k rider ko 5000 ka note diya and he didn’t have change, seriously?? What type of a rider doesn’t have 5000 ka change?’’
  1. Recipe PLEASEEEEE foodies : Yeh foodies ki woh qisam hey jo paani ubalnay sey ley k toast pe makhan laganay har cheez ki recipe mang letay hain. Lekin even after getting the recipe you will never see the post that ‘’tried recipe provided by famous foodie Izraeel Butt and it turned out to be pathetic‘’ . Yeh foodies itnay deeda dalair hotay hain k food forum pe present restaurant owners / home based cooks / bakers etc sey bhi recipes mang letay hain aur recipe na milnay per (obviously)  un ko maghroor, aur unki dish ko ‘’ye konsi bari soughaat hey’’ keh k nikal jatay hain.
  1. Khud Pasand Foodies : ye woh foodies hotay hain jo badhsahi masjid, Jahangir ka Maqbara aur Lahore fort waghaira k baad mughliya tehzeeb o tamaddun ka zinda namona hotay hain. In ki har post bachpan ki is urdu nazam ka modified version hoti hey ‘’machli ka bacha, pani sey nikla, abbu ney pakra, bhaiyya ney kaata, ammi ney pakaya , hum sab ney khaya bara maza aya’’. They start like ‘’hum araam sey bethay huway the k hamaray ghar achanak 600 mehmaan aa gaye , bhaag ka dekha to deep freezer k sab sey neechay sey achanak pichlay saal ki bakra eid ka aik gosht ka packet nikal aya, phir kya tha hamara zehen to bohot chalta hey,fatta fat hum  ney us main 15 chammach laal mirch aur dher sara dhaniya  daal k karahi bana lee, packet bhi khaya gaya aur mehmaan bhi dobara kabhi lout ke nahi aaye (pata nahi kyun)?’’
  1. Kasauti Type Foodies: Such type of foodies post a picture of covered handi or dish and ask ‘’GUESS WHAT’’, ya agar woh uncovered bhi hogi to us plate ya dish main parri khanay ki cheez kam az kum is planet ki nahi lagti hoti and the whole forum keeps on guessing, and in the end that dish turns out to be overcooked rice jisay sab log cerelac keh rahay hotay hain. Such foodies get offended too and start asking the people who commented ‘’aapko ye cerelac lagta hey?? Aapki food forum ki membership approve kis ney ki hey?’’

Jab main ney anwa o iqsaam k foodies ka pehli qist likhi to mera gumaan tha k main ney tamam iqsaam cover Kar li hain.  But when I got over with the first edition it occurred to me there are lots more types so I had to write a second qist and I have a strong feeling that I will have to write a third writeup soon.  Dekhain kiya bunta hai.

Written by Rasikh Mehmood

Rasikh is a UAE based blogger whose life revolves, rotates and orbits around food, that too religiously.

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